So I was thinking about the fact that I haven’t posted much to my blog lately and wondering about why. Was I just busy (true, but come on, that’s silly)? Was I bored writing (no, not really)?
Then it hit me. I wasn’t posting because I wasn’t doing well. I was struggling with my goals, with my routines, with my…well, with the journey overall (not the band, silly. Journey doesn’t struggle, they rock).
What’s up with THAT?
After all, my dear readers, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from your comments here is that I can count on you to provide me with good advice, love and support. And for those of you walking a similar road, how am I helping if I don’t share the bad along with the good? I always say that the best lessons come from failure but here I am not practicing what I preach. Maybe I’m scared of being judged. Maybe I’m scared if I say it out loud, I won’t be able to pull myself out of it.
But really, that’s all bullsh*t. Mostly I think I’m not talking about it because I have this image of myself as a happy, positive person and don’t want to admit that I too have bad days and bad weeks. I don’t want people knowing that I don’t smile ALL the time. But that’s not particularly real is it? I should thank God that I am usually happy and then accept the fact that even someone like me is allowed to struggle a bit, and it doesn’t mean I’m suddenly a no-fun, depressive person. I need to suck it up and 1) give myself a break, 2) figure out how to keep this journey alive even if life isn’t “perfect.” Cause let’s be honest, life is not always perfect even for a fab, happy, smiling girl like me.
So. Here goes.
The last month I found myself drifting away from workout routines. I was pretty sick for a while – not laid up, but tired and coughing, which makes exercise difficult. I also think I was taking the whole “I’m taking a short break” thing way too far. Worse than that tho was my diet. I found myself drifting way back into a way unhealthy diet, even at home, eating too much and the wrong things. Eating out, I haven’t been making great choices and that’s compounded by the crap convenience food I’m eating at home. The last veggie I ate was, I don’t know, in mid-January? I even found myself eating what I consider my depression food, like way too much ice-cream and stuff like that. (This is hard for me to admit by the way…I’m realizing I hold onto some shame about the food I eat).
I’m not sure I can put my finger on why I’ve been like this, especially considering the success I’ve had over the last few months. I’ve been greatly enjoying being social – lots of happy hours, new friends. I liked a boy, a boy liked me, it didn’t work out and that sucked for a minute. Ok, for two minutes. 
Working part-time at my old company has been weird and a little sad – but overall I’m much less emotionally involved than before. That’s much easier to do at 20 hours/week. I’m a bit worried about the getting a job and whatnot. But all and all, life is good.
So what’s going on?
A friend of mine pointed out that there is a LOT of change going on in my life. I left my job after 8 years, choosing not to work rather than staying where I was unhappy. I left everything for two months to head across the country and try being an athlete when I’d never so much as run a mile in my life. I’ve have really been active in this whole new social circle and making new friends. It’s all very brave-new-world and very exciting.
But along with that excitement comes some anxiety, jaw-dropping risk and opportunity for conflict.
If you know me a little, you know me as this happy-go-lucky girl who’s the life of the party, the girl who can talk to anyone. You might know that this doesn’t always come naturally to me. I have to WORK at this. I fight anxiety about meeting new people. Sometimes I have to force myself to walk into a room, especially if I don’t know anyone there. Friends have expressed disbelief that I would ever have trouble meeting people – they say “What? You are the most outgoing person I know!” They don’t know the quiet girl I was in 8th grade. The girl who threw a penny in a fountain and prayed that she would be able to TALK to people at her new high school. The girl who hoped she would have her first kiss in 9th grade so she wouldn’t be that strange girl who’d never been kissed.
They don’t know the girl who managed to reinvent herself a little bit when she went to high school in a new town, and then later to college – reinvent herself just enough to make more friends each time, to be included, to be heard. But it didn’t come easy – every step she (I) had to push down the ghost that rose up in her stomach saying it would be easier to stay at home and just talk to the one girl she (I) already knew. Sometimes the ghost won, but mostly she didn’t. And I (she) lived better than I ever had before.
So this is really about fighting that ghost. She’s always shadowed me; she’s fighting for me to lie down. It doesn’t matter if the fight is about opening up to people or about what I put in my mouth or how I move my body – she wants me to lie down.
I don’t want to lie down. So I gotta figure out how to combat her this time. The battle is really important; it’s my life we’re talking about here. Maybe it’s not about pushing her down, hiding her. Maybe I’ve denied her air too long and that’s why she’s struggling so hard. Maybe I have to let her out and talk to her, figure out why she’s so scared. But I’ve always been afraid to fight in the light – conflict (small or big, real or imagined) is gut-wrenching to me.
I haven’t lost much ground yet – staying in place is ok for a minute, but not for long. I must move forward.
OMG don’t you wish I was just rambling on about pushups or something? This blog isn’t really meant to be a freaking therapy session. But I had to air a little dirty laundry else it would never get clean. And I think an honest journey is better than a relentlessly happy, perfect one. Who can relate that that? Clearly not me.
So I worked out with my trainer this week. I’m cleaning my kitchen and evaluating what’s in my fridge. First steps are small ones. I’m going to set down some small goals for the next week. I’ll share them on the blog Sunday. No more standing in place.
