But seriously, my emo musings aside, here are this weeks goals.  I need some ACTION (ok, dirty-minded, not that…ok that too).

• Monday (work out w/ trainer) – cardio drills (done)
• Tuesday (cardio on own – 20 min cardio intervals minimum, total cardio of 60 min); grocery shopping to get some decent food in the house.
• Wednesday (cardio on own – same as above)
• Thurs (Trainer)
• Friday or Saturday – 1 hour of cardio. 

Also this week I need to check out the gym over in Tenleytown.  I’d like to do some spinning.  I like that strangely enough. 

Then it hit me.  I wasn’t posting because I wasn’t doing well.  I was struggling with my goals, with my routines, with my…well, with the journey overall (not the band, silly.  Journey doesn’t struggle, they rock).

What’s up with THAT?

After all, my dear readers, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from your comments here is that I can count on you to provide me with good advice, love and support.  And for those of you walking a similar road, how am I helping if I don’t share the bad along with the good?  I always say that the best lessons come from failure but here I am not practicing what I preach. Maybe I’m scared of being judged.  Maybe I’m scared if I say it out loud, I won’t be able to pull myself out of it.

But really, that’s all bullsh*t.  Mostly I think I’m not talking about it because I have this image of myself as a happy, positive person and don’t want to admit that I too have bad days and bad weeks.  I don’t want people knowing that I don’t smile ALL the time.  But that’s not particularly real is it?  I should thank God that I am usually happy and then accept the fact that even someone like me is allowed to struggle a bit, and it doesn’t mean I’m suddenly a no-fun, depressive person.  I need to suck it up and 1) give myself a break, 2) figure out how to keep this journey alive even if life isn’t “perfect.”  Cause let’s be honest, life is not always perfect even for a fab, happy, smiling girl like me.

So.  Here goes.

The last month I found myself drifting away from workout routines.  I was pretty sick for a while –  not laid up, but tired and coughing, which makes exercise difficult.  I also think I was taking the whole “I’m taking a short break” thing way too far.  Worse than that tho was my diet.  I found myself drifting way back into a way unhealthy diet, even at home, eating too much and the wrong things.  Eating out, I haven’t been making great choices and that’s compounded by the crap convenience food I’m eating at home.  The last veggie I ate was, I don’t know, in mid-January?  I even found myself eating what I consider my depression food, like way too much ice-cream and stuff like that.  (This is hard for me to admit by the way…I’m realizing I hold onto some shame about the food I eat).

I’m not sure I can put my finger on why I’ve been like this, especially considering the success I’ve had over the last few months. I’ve been greatly enjoying being social – lots of happy hours, new friends.  I liked a boy, a boy liked me, it didn’t work out and that sucked for a minute.  Ok, for two minutes. Working part-time at my old company has been weird and a little sad – but overall I’m much less emotionally involved than before.  That’s much easier to do at 20 hours/week.  I’m a bit worried about the getting a job and whatnot.  But all and all, life is good.

So what’s going on?

A friend of mine pointed out that there is a LOT of change going on in my life.  I left my job after 8 years, choosing not to work rather than staying where I was unhappy.  I left everything for two months to head across the country and try being an athlete when I’d never so much as run a mile in my life. I’ve have really been active in this whole new social circle and making new friends.  It’s all very brave-new-world and very exciting.

But along with that excitement comes some anxiety, jaw-dropping risk and opportunity for conflict.

If you know me a little, you know me as this happy-go-lucky girl who’s the life of the party, the girl who can talk to anyone.  You might know that this doesn’t always come naturally to me.  I have to WORK at this.  I fight anxiety about meeting new people.  Sometimes I have to force myself to walk into a room, especially if I don’t know anyone there.  Friends have expressed disbelief that I would ever have trouble meeting people – they say “What?  You are the most outgoing person I know!”  They don’t know the quiet girl I was in 8th grade.  The girl who threw a penny in a fountain and prayed that she would be able to TALK to people at her new high school.  The girl who hoped she would have her first kiss in 9th grade so she wouldn’t be that strange girl who’d never been kissed.

They don’t know the girl who managed to reinvent herself a little bit when she went to high school in a new town, and then later to college – reinvent herself just enough to make more friends each time, to be included, to be heard.  But it didn’t come easy – every step she (I) had to push down the ghost that rose up in her stomach saying it would be easier to stay at home and just talk to the one girl she (I) already knew.  Sometimes the ghost won, but mostly she didn’t.  And I (she) lived better than I ever had before.

So this is really about fighting that ghost.  She’s always shadowed me; she’s fighting for me to lie down.  It doesn’t matter if the fight is about opening up to people or about what I put in my mouth or how I move my body – she wants me to lie down.

I don’t want to lie down.  So I gotta figure out how to combat her this time.  The battle is really important; it’s my life we’re talking about here.  Maybe it’s not about pushing her down, hiding her.  Maybe I’ve denied her air too long and that’s why she’s struggling so hard.  Maybe I have to let her out and talk to her, figure out why she’s so scared. But I’ve always been afraid to fight in the light – conflict (small or big, real or imagined) is gut-wrenching to me.

I haven’t lost much ground yet – staying in place is ok for a minute, but not for long.  I must move forward.

OMG don’t you wish I was just rambling on about pushups or something?  This blog isn’t really meant to be a freaking therapy session.  But I had to air a little dirty laundry else it would never get clean. And I think an honest journey is better than a relentlessly happy, perfect one.  Who can relate that that?  Clearly not me. 

So I worked out with my trainer this week.   I’m cleaning my kitchen and evaluating what’s in my fridge.  First steps are small ones.  I’m going to set down some small goals for the next week.  I’ll share them on the blog Sunday.  No more standing in place.

I know, it’s been so long!  I feel bad, I really do.  After all, for the 5 of you who read my blog, it’s been an excruciating wait.

So what happened?  Well…I sorta took a break. From everything except my ridiculously packed social life.  I’ve been out gallivanting since I got home from LA, enjoying the snowy weather, running about doing Christmas shopping and other fun stuff.  But enough procrastination – an update is overdue!

So how much did I lose the second month at camp?  Ladies and gents, I lost an additional 14 lbs!  Woot!  I seem to be able to lose exactly 14 lbs a month – which is just fine with me.  So in total, I’ve lost 31 lbs since I started this quest back in September.

When my sis picked me up at the airport, my pants were literally falling off while I walked through the airport. Problem!  Shopping was…well, more fun than usual!  I’m in REGULAR SIZES for tops.  Said another way?  I’m no longer in plus sizes.  I can’t even remember the last time I shopped in regular stores.  This is a major victory for a fashion-conscious girl like me.  I am overwhelmed with choices.  And that’s A-OK with me!  Another few pounds and I’ll be in regular bottoms too (this is taking a bit longer…you know, with an *ss that don’t quit, there are special considerations).

So I got home the week before Thanksgiving, just in time for my sister’s 30th birthday party (a 50s party!)  The party was super fun and I got to see a bunch of people who hadn’t seen me in a while.  Overwhelmingly they all said the same thing – Boy, you look happy!

Interesting.

Sure people commented on my weight, but generally the happiness comment is what I get more than anything else.  And I think it’s spot on.  I feel GREAT.  I’m more energetic.  I love my new clothes.  I feel like I look good.  I am en fuego with the boys, which I shall not talk about here.  Generally, I just feel awesome.  And apparently it shows.

Since I got home I will admit to taking a little break with the diet and exercise.  Not complete meltdown, but certainly struggling a bit with the program.  I think that has a little to do with my current lack of a schedule (cough…job..cough).  So my New Year’s task at hand is to get my little legs a’ movin’ again.  I’ve spoken to one of my camp friends and I think we’re going to do a little food journal exchange.

Future plans? I’m thinking about going back to camp for another few weeks at some point this year.  Gotta get a job.  And gotta have some fun while I don’t have one!  So you know, give me a yell if you’re in town.  Let’s hang!

Future plans for this blog?  Well I’m going to keep at it – with more regularity.   Lots of people seem to struggle with the same things I do, so why not continue to share my little quest.  God knows I need the motivation you peeps provide in the comments and on FB and Twitter.  So feel free to kick my *ss a little.

I’m so sad to be leaving LIFE again!  I’ll have some new “before/after” pictures shortly tho, and am excited to report that since this journey began, I’ve lost over 30lbs!  It’s very exciting – I really need to go shopping!! 

But while I’m sad to be leaving, I’m so happy to be heading home to see family and friends.  I haven’t seen my niece and nephew for weeks!  My sister, Kelly, has planned a massive 50s Birthday Party for my other sister, Katie for her 30th bday – and it will be so fun to see all my family!

There’s some work to be done when I get home of course – gotta figure out how to keep excercise and eat right at home too, but I think I can manage it!

Off to my final weigh-in.  We’ll see where I’m at before heading home!!

On Friday we went to the Santa Monica stairs.  I was suffering from a bit of a mental block about the stairs.  The last few times I went, I had topped out at 5 or 6 sets (up and down 170 stairs) – I couldn’t seem to get past it.  So I knew I had to do at least 7 or I’d still be stuck.

Generally I don’t listen to music or anything.  I like looking around at the people and listening to their conversations.  But this time I brought the iPod.  I figured I should break out the motivating music.  My iPod workout mix is….interesting.  My friend DJ Dan likes to say that I listen to a wide variety of crappy music.  That’s probably true.  The only requirement for a song on my workout mix is that it be fast, have a good beat, and make me happy/motivated.

So one of my favorite workout songs is “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry.  Please don’t click on the link…it’s a completely inappropriate song.  COMPLETELY.  Don’t do it.  DON’T CLICK.  Just know it’s inappropriate.

Seriously, I can run SO fast during this song.

So I’m climbing stairs and humming/singing to myself with the music in my earphones.  My friend Mark is coming down the stairs while I’m going up and he sees me and starts laughing.  I think he’s laughing ’cause I’ve just mouthed the words “crazy bitch.” so I smile and laugh and we pass each other.

Well – after we got home, he told me that I actually said “crazy bitch” super loud and the woman walking in front of me turned around and looked at me in shock, obviously thinking I’d yelled at her.  He said it made his morning.

By the way – made 7 stairs.  I’m still going for 10 by the time I leave on Nov 20.  Trainer Rob and I are going to schedule a longer stair climb to give me a few extra minutes – I have no doubt I can make 10, I just might need an hour and 10 minutes instead of an hour.

Let’s be clear. When I arrived at LIFE, I could run for maybe, 20 seconds.  Maybe less. I used to joke that I didn’t run unless I was being chased.  But the reality was that I couldn’t have run even if I WAS being chased.

One of my challenges when I got to camp was that I was slowwwwwwww.  Even walking, I was slow.  I always blamed it on my short legs.  It’s true, I have short legs, but that’s also a pretty lame excuse.  So I’ve been working on running.

It’s simple really.  I started out by running 20 steps.  Anybody can run 20 steps right?  Then I would walk, say 30 steps.  Then run 20, walk 30, run 20, walk 30…and so on.  At first I walked more than I ran.  But pretty quickly, I was running about 45-50% of the time.  So I started adding more steps – running 30 steps, walking 30.  Then running 50 steps, walking 20.

You get the idea.  So how am I doing?

I’ll tell you about Cardio Bootcamp.  For an hour in the morning, a trainer has us do hardcore cardio intervals.  5 min warm-up.  Then 2 minutes at a 7-incline on the treadmill at a fast walk.  Then 1 minute flat walk.  Then 2 minutes at a jog. Then 1 min flat walk.  Then 3 minutes at 8-incline.  1 min flat walk.  3 min jog a little faster than last time.  And so forth for 45 minutes.  Well I was actually able to run for a full 4 minutes.  For the 5 minute run, I had to walk for two 10 second rest intervals in the 5 min, but managed to run almost the full time.

I also shaved another 5 minutes off my Pier Run (which I’ll tell you more about later, but is essentially a 2.5 mile beach run/walk).  I run about half of it – and managed to make it in 55 minutes. At TBA I run most of the game (off and on).

And in our beach bootcamp on Saturdays, we often do a run around a bird sanctuary.  Its about 3/4 of a mile in soft sand.  In the past I’ve done it in about 14 minutes.  Last week I did it in 11.30 the first time.  About 20 minutes later in bootcamp, we had to do it AGAIN – and beat our time.  I beat my time by about 20 seconds   Don’t get me wrong – I’m still one of the slower people at camp (those short legs and all), but who cares?  I’m twice as fast as I was!

Hey Sir-Mix-a-Lot, I may not yet be Flo-Jo, but this baby’s got back, and I’m running with it.

When I first started at LIFE I was generally scheduled from around 8am till 5pm.  One or two days a week I may be scheduled to 6:30pm or 7 (always on Cardio Movie night of course – when we do cardio while watching a movie, every Thursday night).

Since I came back this month, I’ve generally been working out till 6:30 or 7pm every night.  It’s been great – but especially exhausting.

On the plus side?  I’m burning a TON more calories than I was last time!  In my first month at camp, I burned an average of 2300 calories per day (judged by my trusty Polar watch, which keeps track of my heart rate and then gives an estimate of calories burned based on my weight and VO2 max fitness level).  This time around I’m burning 3000 – 3500/day on long days.  On Saturday, with TBA and bootcamp, I burn almost 2000 by lunch!

Why am I burning more this time around?  Well, I’m WAY more in shape than I was when I started.  So instead of walking I’m running.  And instead of stopping every few minutes to catch my breath, I’ve got the endurance to keep going.  That means more calories burnt!  So hopefully that will translate to faster results.

I’ll try to be better about posting, gentle readers.  If I can just stay awake….

We had a little Halloween party on Saturday night!  The LIFE people made us a few special pizzas and we heated them up and watched Carrie and Young Frankenstein.  So much fun!  See?  Even at bootcamp a little fun can be had

Additionally, I’m really pushing myself hard this time – much harder than before. I think it’s a little bit mental and a little bit physical and I’ve got a whole ‘nother blog post formulating in my head about this. But I need a few more days of data

PS – I love all the renewed comments and love on my blog, FB and twitter. Have I mentioned how much I like you people?

P.S.S.  Right after I published this post I saw a commercial that really struck me!  Its for www.50millionpounds.com, a site that looks to be challenging people to lose weight as well as provide community and information.  I haven’t explored it really, but the commercial was enough to make me check it out.  I’ll report back if it’s interesting!